And I just wrote nearly 1,000 words about this show.
So, Todd and I watched an entire episode of “The Choice” the other night on Hulu. We have a habit of starting what appear to be very bad shows/movies as a joke and then watching them in their entirety, as we did with Last Song and that Justin Bieber movie whose name I can’t remember. Unbelieberable? Yes, I think that’s it. Anyway, fortunately for us “The Choice” was much shorter than either of those movies. Sadly, I think it was worse for our souls.
For those of you who have thus far been spared from “The Choice,” it’s a reality show hosted by the adorable Cat Deeley in which four celebrity bachelors whittle a dating pool of single women down to one woman for each of them, then they take them on “dates of a lifetime.” On the episode we watched, the bachelors included Superman Dean Cain, football player ______ Suh, “Plastic Surgeon to the Stars” Dr. Robert Something, and Tyson Beckford. Can you imagine the tongue lashing the first three bachelors’ agents received after their clients found out they were on the same episode as Tyson Beckford? Needless to say, the few times a woman was given a choice in her date, none of the other bachelors were chosen if Tyson was an option. Poor Dean Cain.
The four bachelors sit in spinning chairs like on “The Voice,” the women come out one at a time and give a little 30 second sales pitch on why they’re the most awesome woman there, and if a bachelor is interested by the sales pitch he pulls a lever and his chair spins around so he can get a look at the woman and then make disgusting faces to show that he is a real man who finds women attractive. If only one bachelor pulls his lever for a woman, she enters his dating pool. If no bachelor pulls his lever the woman has to walk off the stage in shame. (This actually happened. I guess the show is so interested in transparent filmmaking they just couldn’t edit that out in post production.) If more than one bachelor pulls their levers for a woman, she gets to choose which bachelor’s dating pool she’d like to be a part of. During this round I learned that Dean Cain and ______ Suh are kind of gross as they would reach for their lever when a woman mentioned a body part she was especially proud of or the fact she’s part Brazilian and part Columbian (which is a whole ‘nother blog post), but they’d wait to actually pull the lever until the woman said something about enjoying sports or spending time with her family, ostensibly so they wouldn’t look like total pervs. They were not successful in this. And again, no one else stood a chance if he pulled his lever for the same woman Tyson Beckford did. Poor Dr. Robert Something.
Each bachelor ends up with a dating pool of 3 women, and he gets a short 15 second speed date with each one. In this round I learned that Dean Cain likes being interrupted by brash women from New Jersey, and that Tyson Beckford cares what his dates think of stem cell research. I also learned that a woman with a cogent opinion on stem cell research can somehow be persuaded to go on a reality dating show. I’d really like to know the back story there.
After that round each bachelor eliminates one woman, and the other two move on the Miss America round in which they both have to answer the same question posed by their bachelor but read by Cat Deeley.* This is a good time for the bachelors to subtly mention their accomplishments/generosity. It was also a good time for Dean Cain to ask his women to name one TV show/movie he’s appeared in other than “Lois & Clark,” and unfortunately Dean Cain let me down. _______ Suh also let me down when he did not pick the woman who said the most generous thing she’d ever done for someone else was adopt a cat. The host kind of gave her a few extra seconds to come up with a better answer, but the woman said, “No, I’ll stick with the cat.”
After the question round the bachelors choose their favorite woman and the couples go out on their dates. We learn about these dates through snapshots and a voiceover from Cat, which includes whether or not the couples exchanged phone numbers and plan on seeing each other again. Poor Dr. Robert Something’s date didn’t see them as anything more than friends, even after a romantic couple’s massage. Unsurprisingly, Tyson Beckford ended up with the best woman (I know, there’s no “best woman,” they’re all wonderful and unique human beings, except there totally was a “best woman”) and the two of them plan to see each other again. Because one of them was a gorgeous Indian-American doctor and the other one was Tyson Beckford, so of course they want to keep seeing each other.
All this to say, there are other, better, non-soul-crushing ways to spend your Saturday night than watching “The Choice,” and amazingly these other ways include a Miley Cyrus movie.
*The producers of the show really missed an opportunity here as they had one woman wait backstage so she couldn’t hear the question while the first woman was asked the question. Why did they not use the soundproof booth from the Miss America pageant? It would have been pretty fantastic to see those women in the little booth with their big headphones on, but it was not to be. (Don’t worry, the women were adequately humiliated in other ways throughout the show).